Personal Time?

Going back to work is hard.  It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.  Scratch that.  It's exactly as hard as I thought it would be and just didn't want to face it.

However...

I had an interesting discussion with daycare provider (who I've known since I was a child when HER mom had a daycare that I went to) about time and how valuable it is.  She has 3 children who are roughly 9, 11 and 13.  I somewhat envy her because her kids can get themselves fed and dressed and imagine that she must have oodles of time to do what she likes in the evening or on weekends.  Not so, I learned.  Kids, even once able to fend for themselves a bit, apparently still want mom to do many things for them that they can do for themselves.  "Mom, can you button my pants?  Can you help me with my bra?"  These are requests she gets routinely, despite the lack of necessity.

As the mom of a 13 week old baby, it still seems amazing to me to have children who can roam around the house and make coherent sentences.  I can't imagine not having to pick up my child and lug her to where ever it is she needs to be.  I also can't imagine having free time enough to go into the kitchen and make a meal (without crying in the background because someone isn't being held/nursed) for myself.

I am a full time working mom and I also go to school full time online.  This often means having daddy (who is only tolerated by munchkin for short periods since he does not have lactating breasts) occupy baby's time so I can type up papers.  The way she nurses and sits on my lap only frees up one hand, which makes it almost impossible to type up my discussion board entries, let alone an eight to ten page paper, which finishes up almost every single class.

That brings me to this evening and a short, terse conversation with my handy and loving husband.  I put the baby in her rocking bassinet and brought it over to sit in front of him so I could go switch over the diapers to the dryer (we use cloth) and come back up to finish my homework that is due tonight.  He tells me "she has her hands in her mouth and is going to want to eat again soon."  He says this with all due concern and yet, I snap back, "I know.  She isn't fussing so she can stay in there for just a few minutes!"  It rankles to have JUST gotten up and knowing that baby is going to want to go on the boob again any second.  I know this.  He must know I know this.  Why remind me?  Can't I have a moment of peace??  This must be why that Calgon stuff was invented.

Don't get me wrong - I love my baby.  I miss her so much all day.  I treasure the time I have to nurse her.  But I broke my day down for my loving husband, thusly:

I wake up (usually in the middle of the night) to nurse.
We go back to sleep.
I get up at 4:30 to shower (quickly, for she's already clamoring to feed again)
I nurse the baby.
She sleeps.
She nurses.
I bring her to daycare and go to work, roughly an hour early to get in required OT or make up extra time I take to pump
Break 1 - pump
Work some more
Lunch - run to babysitter's to nurse
Go back to work
Break 2 - pump
Go back to work
Leave work
Run needed errands
Pick up baby from babysitter's
Go home and start nursing right away (because this is what she wants)
Eat dinner hubby makes (he really is awesome this way!!)
Nurse some more
Hope to God that she's really out and put her to bed, falling exhausted into bed, myself

This sort of schedule not only doesn't leave one much time to one's self, it also makes me realize why most women have postpartum depression.  Add into that a mom who really didn't want to go back to work yet and who can't seem to pump enough to feed the kid for a day (we have donor milk and supplement), and you can see why lack of a few minutes to myself might equal a rather cranky individual.  I'm not about to go postal, but there are times when I've got the monopoly on Water Works, if you know what I mean.

Little one is still babbling and watching daddy and the TV (no noise since hubby is wearing headphones) and I still have a few more minutes to relax before we begin the final nursing to go to sleep.

Ahhhh...Bliss.

How do you find personal time as a mom?