Baby brain or self-sabotage?

Last night was the fourth bag of breast milk I forgot to refrigerate.  Frustrating?  Hell yes.  The fact that two pumps only equaled about 3 ounces, despite my efforts and consumption of Mother’s Milk tea?  Even more frustrating – especially considering what a drop in the bucket that has become.  I can’t imagine that my baby is only getting an ounce and a half when she nurses (especially with that milk drunk look she gets), but I doubt she is getting the 8 ounces that she can put away before bedtime before she comes back to the breast.  After realizing today that yet another bag of breast milk (and a good 45 minutes effort) has gone to waste, I have come to the realization that something must change. 

It is depressing to be a modern mom with old-fashioned values.  I finally feel comfortable breastfeeding.  My boobs aren’t sore anymore and I’ve even learned to nurse lying down so we can sleep in on weekends or get more sleep if she wakes in the night.  But nowadays, she’s not even waking in the night anymore; she sleeps from 9:30-4:30.  We nurse, give her a bottle and then nurse again before bedtime.  She chugs almost a full 8 ounces before her second go-round with the boobies.  Usually she just needs to end on the “sleepy boob” (lefty) and I bring her to bed.  I love nursing my baby.

That being said, I think I’m ready to stop pumping at work.  She’s started on homemade brown rice cereal (not the instant boxed crap) this last week and seems to be enjoying it.  She is taking a bottle with formula in it with alacrity and yet she is still nursing morning, noon and evening.  I have no intention of ceasing those sessions, but as I look at her growth and health (both of which seem great to me), and my own health, it seems that it might be ok to take this cut.  

I have to worry if I am on a slippery slope, or if my baby won’t be as smart as her potential by reducing her breast milk by these few precious ounces a day, but somehow I doubt it.  I feel like I’m not able to be true to my inner hippie mama with the changes we have had to make (disposable diapering during the day and now this possible reduction in breast milk), but I’ve also realized that not everything is going to be exactly how I want it to be – especially when I can’t be home with her.

Do I feel an incredible amount of guilt over this?  Absolutely.  But where I don’t feel like it is a threat to her health, and having my breaks back and not having to come into work almost an hour early every single morning will give me more time with her.  My breaks, by the way, have always been my time to exercise.  I haven’t really done much for exercise since baby came along, and my clothes and energy level are feeling it.  Exercise will help my health and mood, to say the least.  Is this a cop out?  I certainly hope not, but after forgetting about my bags of precious breast milk, I have to wonder what my subconscious motivation is, especially where this lack doesn’t seem to be causing much of an issue.

After examining our current routine and my own comfort level, it is with great sadness that I prepare to put away my pump.  I still have some trepidation over it, but knowing that we will still continue to nurse is a comfort.

How long did you continue to pump at work?

Best laid plans of moms and kids

How did it all go astray?  You start out with the most awesome ideas.  Cloth diapers.  Breastfeeding.  Co-sleeping.  Ok, the co-sleeping is still doing relatively alright.  My husband calls me a “hippie crunchy.”  He calls himself a Republican (Gasp!), but he isn’t truly, since he votes democrat or independent.  He just can’t find it within himself to change his self-made label.  Myself – I am social liberal, yet fiscally conservative.  When it comes to my baby, I am liberal all the way. 

In case you just tuned in, I’m definitely a granola mommy.  I had one of the two home-births that occurred in Aroostook County (Northern Maine) that was NOT part of the Mennonites or Amish (however, the assistant midwife WAS Mennonite – and SO sweet).  The other was my BFF, whose homebirth midwife I commandeered.  Yes, it was amazing, and I have been determined to continue as I started – in the most natural and healthiest way possible for my baby.

This brings us, however, to recent “difficulties.”  

Did you know, that in the state of Maine, to have cloth diapers in a daycare, you must have your pediatrician write a letter citing medical necessity??  Never mind that cloth diaper babies see less diaper rash and are not exposed to the chemicals in disposable diapers.  Never mind that we each have a social responsibility to live a greener lifestyle.  It takes approximately 1 cup of oil to make a diaper, and the thing won’t decompose until long after my children’s children have themselves decomposed!!  Why do we put these things on our kids and in our landfills?  I spent $400 on the Gro-via “live it” package.  That’s it.  Who can say they’ve only spent $400 on diapers?  My daycare provider actually supplies diapers for the children and was considering switching her whole daycare over, but there is so much red tape, that it is pretty much impossible.  

Meanwhile, my pediatrician has decided to decline a letter because it is “parental choice” and not medically necessary.  My kid only gets diaper rash with disposables, which I explained in my request for said letter.  I would think that somehow a pediatrician would find it in her heart to let my kid continue with the cloth to prevent a sore butt, but apparently not because preventing diaper rash is not “medically necessary.”

Dumbass.

Did I mention that I will be switching pediatricians?

Flashing Those Baby Blues

Do the baby blues exist?  I always knew postpartum depression was a very real thing, but just a case of the baby blues?  It seemed to me that unless you had deep, real depression, a purely chemical and physical issue, what is there to be blue about?  You’ve got a new baby who is awesome and makes life worth living, right?  Well, I’ve discovered that my little bundle of joy does indeed make life worthwhile, which is part of the cause of having a minor case of the blues – especially when you have to spend your days away from her.

Frankly, I’ve come to discover that our society is extremely unnatural when it comes to new moms and their babies.  Six weeks?  Really?  That’s all most people take off??? I took nine weeks because if I didn’t come back to work in the new year, it would eat into my time off, which I would need for times that daycare is closed or sick days or even just the odd vacation day.  So I got nine measly weeks.  

I’m a big advocate and fan of breastfeeding.  Despite  the difficulties it brings, it is pretty easy once you get the hang of it.  Baby was eating almost constantly (or at least that’s how it felt), so much of my time was spent with her literally attached to me.  Then, all of a sudden, that was completely gone as I had to go to work.  No more days of waking early to nurse and crash back out until 8:30 or 9:00 in the morning.  Or spending our days on the couch on with the boppy pillow.  Now we get up at 4:30 and she gets an hour or so of nursing before she goes to daycare.  I can’t seem to pump enough to keep her going, so my BFF pumps for me, too.  Between the two of us, we’re still not enough, so now she’s getting formula supplemented during the day to keep her little belly full.  That depresses me, too.

My first day back to work was pretty bad.  I spent it near/in tears.  It got better after that, slowly.  I still have days that I go through “baby withdrawal,” wishing I was curled up with her, nursing or sleeping or just holding her.  Women aren’t meant to be ok with leaving their babies.  My sitter is a good friend of mine and I trust her completely, but she isn’t the mommy.   Baby may need mommy, but mommy needs baby, too.

Most days I’m pretty good, but some nights I don’t get as much sleep as others and that definitely affects my mood the next day.  It’s also a cumulative effect.  I noticed this week that I seem to be losing a lot more hair in the shower.  Seriously, Mother Nature?  I just had a baby and still have that “baby pudge” so pre-pregnancy clothes are still a distant dream, sleep is at a premium and now hair loss??

Yeah, I definitely believe in the baby blues.

Personal Time?

Going back to work is hard.  It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.  Scratch that.  It's exactly as hard as I thought it would be and just didn't want to face it.

However...

I had an interesting discussion with daycare provider (who I've known since I was a child when HER mom had a daycare that I went to) about time and how valuable it is.  She has 3 children who are roughly 9, 11 and 13.  I somewhat envy her because her kids can get themselves fed and dressed and imagine that she must have oodles of time to do what she likes in the evening or on weekends.  Not so, I learned.  Kids, even once able to fend for themselves a bit, apparently still want mom to do many things for them that they can do for themselves.  "Mom, can you button my pants?  Can you help me with my bra?"  These are requests she gets routinely, despite the lack of necessity.

As the mom of a 13 week old baby, it still seems amazing to me to have children who can roam around the house and make coherent sentences.  I can't imagine not having to pick up my child and lug her to where ever it is she needs to be.  I also can't imagine having free time enough to go into the kitchen and make a meal (without crying in the background because someone isn't being held/nursed) for myself.

I am a full time working mom and I also go to school full time online.  This often means having daddy (who is only tolerated by munchkin for short periods since he does not have lactating breasts) occupy baby's time so I can type up papers.  The way she nurses and sits on my lap only frees up one hand, which makes it almost impossible to type up my discussion board entries, let alone an eight to ten page paper, which finishes up almost every single class.

That brings me to this evening and a short, terse conversation with my handy and loving husband.  I put the baby in her rocking bassinet and brought it over to sit in front of him so I could go switch over the diapers to the dryer (we use cloth) and come back up to finish my homework that is due tonight.  He tells me "she has her hands in her mouth and is going to want to eat again soon."  He says this with all due concern and yet, I snap back, "I know.  She isn't fussing so she can stay in there for just a few minutes!"  It rankles to have JUST gotten up and knowing that baby is going to want to go on the boob again any second.  I know this.  He must know I know this.  Why remind me?  Can't I have a moment of peace??  This must be why that Calgon stuff was invented.

Don't get me wrong - I love my baby.  I miss her so much all day.  I treasure the time I have to nurse her.  But I broke my day down for my loving husband, thusly:

I wake up (usually in the middle of the night) to nurse.
We go back to sleep.
I get up at 4:30 to shower (quickly, for she's already clamoring to feed again)
I nurse the baby.
She sleeps.
She nurses.
I bring her to daycare and go to work, roughly an hour early to get in required OT or make up extra time I take to pump
Break 1 - pump
Work some more
Lunch - run to babysitter's to nurse
Go back to work
Break 2 - pump
Go back to work
Leave work
Run needed errands
Pick up baby from babysitter's
Go home and start nursing right away (because this is what she wants)
Eat dinner hubby makes (he really is awesome this way!!)
Nurse some more
Hope to God that she's really out and put her to bed, falling exhausted into bed, myself

This sort of schedule not only doesn't leave one much time to one's self, it also makes me realize why most women have postpartum depression.  Add into that a mom who really didn't want to go back to work yet and who can't seem to pump enough to feed the kid for a day (we have donor milk and supplement), and you can see why lack of a few minutes to myself might equal a rather cranky individual.  I'm not about to go postal, but there are times when I've got the monopoly on Water Works, if you know what I mean.

Little one is still babbling and watching daddy and the TV (no noise since hubby is wearing headphones) and I still have a few more minutes to relax before we begin the final nursing to go to sleep.

Ahhhh...Bliss.

How do you find personal time as a mom?

Postpartum Discovery

My most disheartening thought today was "I hate 99% of my clothes and so far this week, I've already worn the 1% I like!"  Crap! 

I was down to a size 10 for awhile before I got pregnant.  Then, I realized that I was going to be getting pregnant soon, so I stopped being quite so conscientious with my eating habits.  So I was around a 12 when I got pregnant.  I ate pretty much what I wanted, but still stuck with my usual snacks like fruit and the fiber one/plus bars. Then, much to my dismay, they informed me (after 2 glucose tests that just BARELY failed) that I had gestational diabetes.  The midwife who actually delivered me (that's a whole 'nother story in and of itself) agreed with me and did not think that I actually had full blown gestational diabetes - merely a sensitivity.  So, at any rate, I was darn near perfect for the last half of my pregnancy and kept my blood sugar stellar with relative ease. 

I really only gained about 25 pounds total.  I had my daughter on October 29, 2011.  This of course, was right before the dreaded holidays.  I'm actually up a few pounds from my lowest point after giving birth, and still rockin' the size 16s.  I can do the 14s with a belly band, like I used until I was about 3 or 4 months pregnant.  Those things were definitely a lifesaver when I was preggo, but now they're a little depressing.  I'm almost 32 years old and was pudgy to start with, but this belly stuff is hard to get rid of!  Throw breastfeeding into the mix, and frankly, it seems almost impossible at times.  I think I am just one of those people who does not lose weight while breastfeeding.  I feel like I'm starving more now than when I was pregnant!  I want to start Isagenix (like Body by Vi, but with better nutritional value and corporate ethics, according to a friend of mine who is on it.  And let me just say, that this friend and his wife lost 100 pounds EACH this last year.  Impressive to say the least.), but I can't do the cleanse part while breastfeeding and it's a bit pricy, so I'm waiting for income taxes before picking it up for myself and the hubby.  And with how hungry I am, I'm still a little skeptical.

So, at any rate, I find that I actually MISS being pregnant.  I got to wear cute clothes with wild prints and baby doll cuts.  I got to have a belly and show it off proudly!  I was psyched that I pretty much only gained weight in my tummy area.  Well...my pants show that lie, since my rear and thighs make my size 12 jeans more like sausage casings than pants.

So, what is a postpartum mom to do?  I'm still breastfeeding and spend almost my entire evening doing so.  I spend my breaks pumping (where I used to walk the treadmill at work) and my lunch time is going to the babysitters and nursing the baby as well.  Right now does not appear to be the optimum time for diet or exercise, really as it is hard to fit in time or willpower.

And besides, you really aren't supposed to limit your calorie intake too much while you are nursing, right?  I eat lots of healthy food.  Lots of it!  Ahem.  Well, maybe I'll just pick up a few more size 16s until spring comes around and munchkin spends a little less time on the boob.

First Post

I think the last time I had a blog, it was on livejounal.  It was really more of a way to update friends about goings on in my life rather than any great statement.  My good friend Mariah told me that I could probably make money on the side blogging, being an awesome writer (her words) and all, so here I am, running a bit of a test to see how I like actually blogging about "stuff" rather than just myself.  I fully intend on including bits of my day to day life when appropriate, but it won't be the usual rant about how my day went unless it pertains to something socially important.  I'm hoping to blog about topics that affect us as moms, whether it is nutrition or politics.

So, who am I to write about such things (and, more importantly, why should you care?)?  I'm a mom, first and foremost.  I'm a full time worker, full time student, wife, daughter and sister to a young woman with a visual impairment, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder), Aspergers, and a seriously disturbing Justin Bieber obsession.  I have a three-month old daughter and a need to research the heck out of everything I do.  I hope to share that knowledge as a new mom with other moms.  I am an entrepreneur at heart and love small business retail even if I buy from Amazon on a regular basis.

Also, I'm very specifically not Christian.  I leave that to those with stronger stomachs than I.  I am a bit of an agnostic Pagan, if we must put a label on it.  I love nature and strongly believe in the progression of females, whether in the home or workplace.  We can be Goddesses of each.  Feminist is not a dirty word here, but I also believe in the duality of men and women.  Every child needs both male and female influences (doesn't necessarily have to be parents) to flourish.

So, while I must needs label myself to give you, dear reader, a base understanding of who you are dealing with, please understand that though I give you several neat little boxes, I am certainly more than that, and, like any good deal, void where prohibited and subject to change at any time.