Baby brain or self-sabotage?

Last night was the fourth bag of breast milk I forgot to refrigerate.  Frustrating?  Hell yes.  The fact that two pumps only equaled about 3 ounces, despite my efforts and consumption of Mother’s Milk tea?  Even more frustrating – especially considering what a drop in the bucket that has become.  I can’t imagine that my baby is only getting an ounce and a half when she nurses (especially with that milk drunk look she gets), but I doubt she is getting the 8 ounces that she can put away before bedtime before she comes back to the breast.  After realizing today that yet another bag of breast milk (and a good 45 minutes effort) has gone to waste, I have come to the realization that something must change. 

It is depressing to be a modern mom with old-fashioned values.  I finally feel comfortable breastfeeding.  My boobs aren’t sore anymore and I’ve even learned to nurse lying down so we can sleep in on weekends or get more sleep if she wakes in the night.  But nowadays, she’s not even waking in the night anymore; she sleeps from 9:30-4:30.  We nurse, give her a bottle and then nurse again before bedtime.  She chugs almost a full 8 ounces before her second go-round with the boobies.  Usually she just needs to end on the “sleepy boob” (lefty) and I bring her to bed.  I love nursing my baby.

That being said, I think I’m ready to stop pumping at work.  She’s started on homemade brown rice cereal (not the instant boxed crap) this last week and seems to be enjoying it.  She is taking a bottle with formula in it with alacrity and yet she is still nursing morning, noon and evening.  I have no intention of ceasing those sessions, but as I look at her growth and health (both of which seem great to me), and my own health, it seems that it might be ok to take this cut.  

I have to worry if I am on a slippery slope, or if my baby won’t be as smart as her potential by reducing her breast milk by these few precious ounces a day, but somehow I doubt it.  I feel like I’m not able to be true to my inner hippie mama with the changes we have had to make (disposable diapering during the day and now this possible reduction in breast milk), but I’ve also realized that not everything is going to be exactly how I want it to be – especially when I can’t be home with her.

Do I feel an incredible amount of guilt over this?  Absolutely.  But where I don’t feel like it is a threat to her health, and having my breaks back and not having to come into work almost an hour early every single morning will give me more time with her.  My breaks, by the way, have always been my time to exercise.  I haven’t really done much for exercise since baby came along, and my clothes and energy level are feeling it.  Exercise will help my health and mood, to say the least.  Is this a cop out?  I certainly hope not, but after forgetting about my bags of precious breast milk, I have to wonder what my subconscious motivation is, especially where this lack doesn’t seem to be causing much of an issue.

After examining our current routine and my own comfort level, it is with great sadness that I prepare to put away my pump.  I still have some trepidation over it, but knowing that we will still continue to nurse is a comfort.

How long did you continue to pump at work?

Best laid plans of moms and kids

How did it all go astray?  You start out with the most awesome ideas.  Cloth diapers.  Breastfeeding.  Co-sleeping.  Ok, the co-sleeping is still doing relatively alright.  My husband calls me a “hippie crunchy.”  He calls himself a Republican (Gasp!), but he isn’t truly, since he votes democrat or independent.  He just can’t find it within himself to change his self-made label.  Myself – I am social liberal, yet fiscally conservative.  When it comes to my baby, I am liberal all the way. 

In case you just tuned in, I’m definitely a granola mommy.  I had one of the two home-births that occurred in Aroostook County (Northern Maine) that was NOT part of the Mennonites or Amish (however, the assistant midwife WAS Mennonite – and SO sweet).  The other was my BFF, whose homebirth midwife I commandeered.  Yes, it was amazing, and I have been determined to continue as I started – in the most natural and healthiest way possible for my baby.

This brings us, however, to recent “difficulties.”  

Did you know, that in the state of Maine, to have cloth diapers in a daycare, you must have your pediatrician write a letter citing medical necessity??  Never mind that cloth diaper babies see less diaper rash and are not exposed to the chemicals in disposable diapers.  Never mind that we each have a social responsibility to live a greener lifestyle.  It takes approximately 1 cup of oil to make a diaper, and the thing won’t decompose until long after my children’s children have themselves decomposed!!  Why do we put these things on our kids and in our landfills?  I spent $400 on the Gro-via “live it” package.  That’s it.  Who can say they’ve only spent $400 on diapers?  My daycare provider actually supplies diapers for the children and was considering switching her whole daycare over, but there is so much red tape, that it is pretty much impossible.  

Meanwhile, my pediatrician has decided to decline a letter because it is “parental choice” and not medically necessary.  My kid only gets diaper rash with disposables, which I explained in my request for said letter.  I would think that somehow a pediatrician would find it in her heart to let my kid continue with the cloth to prevent a sore butt, but apparently not because preventing diaper rash is not “medically necessary.”

Dumbass.

Did I mention that I will be switching pediatricians?

Flashing Those Baby Blues

Do the baby blues exist?  I always knew postpartum depression was a very real thing, but just a case of the baby blues?  It seemed to me that unless you had deep, real depression, a purely chemical and physical issue, what is there to be blue about?  You’ve got a new baby who is awesome and makes life worth living, right?  Well, I’ve discovered that my little bundle of joy does indeed make life worthwhile, which is part of the cause of having a minor case of the blues – especially when you have to spend your days away from her.

Frankly, I’ve come to discover that our society is extremely unnatural when it comes to new moms and their babies.  Six weeks?  Really?  That’s all most people take off??? I took nine weeks because if I didn’t come back to work in the new year, it would eat into my time off, which I would need for times that daycare is closed or sick days or even just the odd vacation day.  So I got nine measly weeks.  

I’m a big advocate and fan of breastfeeding.  Despite  the difficulties it brings, it is pretty easy once you get the hang of it.  Baby was eating almost constantly (or at least that’s how it felt), so much of my time was spent with her literally attached to me.  Then, all of a sudden, that was completely gone as I had to go to work.  No more days of waking early to nurse and crash back out until 8:30 or 9:00 in the morning.  Or spending our days on the couch on with the boppy pillow.  Now we get up at 4:30 and she gets an hour or so of nursing before she goes to daycare.  I can’t seem to pump enough to keep her going, so my BFF pumps for me, too.  Between the two of us, we’re still not enough, so now she’s getting formula supplemented during the day to keep her little belly full.  That depresses me, too.

My first day back to work was pretty bad.  I spent it near/in tears.  It got better after that, slowly.  I still have days that I go through “baby withdrawal,” wishing I was curled up with her, nursing or sleeping or just holding her.  Women aren’t meant to be ok with leaving their babies.  My sitter is a good friend of mine and I trust her completely, but she isn’t the mommy.   Baby may need mommy, but mommy needs baby, too.

Most days I’m pretty good, but some nights I don’t get as much sleep as others and that definitely affects my mood the next day.  It’s also a cumulative effect.  I noticed this week that I seem to be losing a lot more hair in the shower.  Seriously, Mother Nature?  I just had a baby and still have that “baby pudge” so pre-pregnancy clothes are still a distant dream, sleep is at a premium and now hair loss??

Yeah, I definitely believe in the baby blues.