Baby brain or self-sabotage?

Last night was the fourth bag of breast milk I forgot to refrigerate.  Frustrating?  Hell yes.  The fact that two pumps only equaled about 3 ounces, despite my efforts and consumption of Mother’s Milk tea?  Even more frustrating – especially considering what a drop in the bucket that has become.  I can’t imagine that my baby is only getting an ounce and a half when she nurses (especially with that milk drunk look she gets), but I doubt she is getting the 8 ounces that she can put away before bedtime before she comes back to the breast.  After realizing today that yet another bag of breast milk (and a good 45 minutes effort) has gone to waste, I have come to the realization that something must change. 

It is depressing to be a modern mom with old-fashioned values.  I finally feel comfortable breastfeeding.  My boobs aren’t sore anymore and I’ve even learned to nurse lying down so we can sleep in on weekends or get more sleep if she wakes in the night.  But nowadays, she’s not even waking in the night anymore; she sleeps from 9:30-4:30.  We nurse, give her a bottle and then nurse again before bedtime.  She chugs almost a full 8 ounces before her second go-round with the boobies.  Usually she just needs to end on the “sleepy boob” (lefty) and I bring her to bed.  I love nursing my baby.

That being said, I think I’m ready to stop pumping at work.  She’s started on homemade brown rice cereal (not the instant boxed crap) this last week and seems to be enjoying it.  She is taking a bottle with formula in it with alacrity and yet she is still nursing morning, noon and evening.  I have no intention of ceasing those sessions, but as I look at her growth and health (both of which seem great to me), and my own health, it seems that it might be ok to take this cut.  

I have to worry if I am on a slippery slope, or if my baby won’t be as smart as her potential by reducing her breast milk by these few precious ounces a day, but somehow I doubt it.  I feel like I’m not able to be true to my inner hippie mama with the changes we have had to make (disposable diapering during the day and now this possible reduction in breast milk), but I’ve also realized that not everything is going to be exactly how I want it to be – especially when I can’t be home with her.

Do I feel an incredible amount of guilt over this?  Absolutely.  But where I don’t feel like it is a threat to her health, and having my breaks back and not having to come into work almost an hour early every single morning will give me more time with her.  My breaks, by the way, have always been my time to exercise.  I haven’t really done much for exercise since baby came along, and my clothes and energy level are feeling it.  Exercise will help my health and mood, to say the least.  Is this a cop out?  I certainly hope not, but after forgetting about my bags of precious breast milk, I have to wonder what my subconscious motivation is, especially where this lack doesn’t seem to be causing much of an issue.

After examining our current routine and my own comfort level, it is with great sadness that I prepare to put away my pump.  I still have some trepidation over it, but knowing that we will still continue to nurse is a comfort.

How long did you continue to pump at work?